Sometimes I am lost at words on how to describe my feelings to myself on how many ways I can screw up myself. Strange as it seems, my road to perdition is neither new nor has changed. The sense of ego and foolishness often give me enough credits to label myself as a human being who know the truth and yet fail to embrace it. I listen to ‘Dharma’ everyday and yet fail to put efforts in ‘acceptance’. God, by all means made me a semi-human, who has the power to change and embrace happiness. I feel dejected and disappointed every time there is an argument. To get instigated is a symbol of weakness but, my actions seldom broke away from that path. No matter how much I try to self analyze, dissect and perform a soul-autopsy, I fail to recognize the agony of my heart with my brain.
I do not want to chose a path that does not make me a human. I know that the answer lies within myself. Blessed I am, that I have the knowledge of many to envy but, unless I make it wisdom worthy, my asset is my weakness. I started praying God, if not too regularly. My 20-second-a-day prayer after I light-up before God had given me positive vibes. It took lot of years to understand and come close to reality. My fascination towards God and its concept had opened up to several possibilities. Yet, I am careful at choosing the right path. I know my weaknesses too well to forgo because of my ego. Humility I think is one of those gifts from God, who he thinks is worthy of and I know I can be ‘there’ and yet miles away.
Perdition neither exists beyond our world not something you get after you die. The moment I realize that it lies within myself, I can fight against it and understand myself much better. Truth has always been simple but, we humans have the greatest gift of making it the most complex work-flow in the world. I will eventually learn the trade and I am too hopeful that those wonderful moments are not too far off.
As it has always been, bad things make humans realize their distance from good and as it happens it also shows the path to it. When we realize how close we are, we reach a point where the bad departs from your soul. I always think that God has given me so much, without asking and without attachments and fine prints and yet I crave for things that are far less important than what I need.
So God, let me say this to you that, my road to perdition has been a good one and I will walk on it and still reach my destination, only to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Help me, and I promise I will help myself.