Soul Searching

New Year ?

We humans need a reason to celebrate and some spoiled brats decided in the past that the Gregorian Calendar shall begin on a day called January 1st and we will celebrate it as a new year. In their defense though, something should start some where, even if its not perfect. Like all other previous years, this January 1st will remind us the spent journey, be it wise or not. Many people make resolutions, some keep them some don’t and many others will chose to ignore all together. Like I said, something should start on some day and humankind decided this is the day. So, what exactly is New? This is a question I ask myself every single year, and pacify myself, that it is the printed calendar that hangs on my office wall, with 2015 printed in bold. I question myself, “did I turn my Old into experience”? or let it go as bypassed seconds that I least care about or knock my brain out on how wasted I was as a human being. New is something we all have control on, new is something that we can all do that it is not done in the past, new is something that we can all say with pride that we did things differently to make our lives better. Do we stop here or do more?

One thing that constantly last year reminds me was that, every time I sit in front of the God and close my eyes to pretend praying, what is that I seek from doing that? Peace, prosperity, happiness, wealth, health or ‘I don’t know’. So, I follow a simple principle, do not seek anything as what ever I ask is what I should deserve. And, what ever I have is more than what I ask for and yet the unending quest of ‘wants’ wander around my brain. I was mostly successful in not asking anything materialistic for most of the time. There are millions out there and for a reason or another, God wished them to be under privileged and suffer from sorrow and pain. Numerous good souls, work day in and day out to balance this act and serve all those who cannot even afford to pray, because their suffering comes first, their hunger overtakes their belief and their thirst outweigh their hopes. So for what ever reason God chose to gave me what I deserve, I will chose to share what ever I can, be it love or life. In celebrating the fellow human beings, I wish to share the empathy and help those in need, when ever I can and what ever I can. So help me God that the ‘new’ thing that shall happen this year is the strength I seek to help the people in need and wish for their happiness and peace.

Let me have a Happy NEW Year!


Sometimes I am lost at words  on how to describe my feelings to myself on how many ways I can screw up myself. Strange as it seems, my road to perdition is neither new nor has changed. The sense of ego and foolishness often give me enough credits to label myself as a human being who know the truth and yet fail to embrace it. I listen to ‘Dharma’ everyday and yet fail to put efforts in ‘acceptance’. God, by all means made me a semi-human, who has the power to change and embrace happiness. I feel dejected and disappointed every time there is an argument. To get instigated is a symbol of weakness but, my actions seldom broke away from that path. No matter how much I try to self analyze, dissect and perform a soul-autopsy, I fail to recognize the agony of my heart with my brain.

I do not want to chose a path that does not make me a human. I know that the answer lies within myself. Blessed I am, that I have the knowledge of many to envy but, unless I make it wisdom worthy, my asset is my weakness. I started praying God, if not too regularly. My 20-second-a-day prayer after I light-up before God had given me positive vibes. It took lot of years to understand and come close to reality. My fascination towards God and its concept had opened up to several possibilities. Yet, I am careful at choosing the right path. I know my weaknesses too well to forgo because of my ego. Humility I think is one of those gifts from God, who he thinks is worthy of and I know I can be ‘there’ and yet miles away.

Perdition neither exists beyond our world not something you get after you die. The moment I realize that it lies within myself, I can fight against it and understand myself much better. Truth has always been simple but, we humans have the greatest gift of making it the most complex work-flow in the world. I will eventually learn the trade and I am too hopeful that those wonderful moments are not too far off.

As it has always been, bad things make humans realize their distance from good and as it happens it also shows the path to it. When we realize how close we are, we reach a point where the bad departs from your soul. I always think that God has given me so much, without asking and without attachments and fine prints and  yet I crave for things that are far less important than what I need.

So God, let me say this to you that, my road to perdition has been a good one and I will walk on it and still reach my destination, only to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Help me, and I promise I will help myself.


Unlike embracing new year celebrations like in the past, this time around, I should say that the welcome party was more subdued and unresponsive. There is a sense of urgency in doing the best I can, coming close to 40 always reminded me that I am getting ‘older’. The small soul inside me prompts me back and quickly raises the hand to ask me a difficult question; “was the last 365 days made you older or wiser?”. On any given day, I would safely skip that question and dive into my routine of getting myself up-to-date on latest technology, skimming through junk blog websites and try to put my analysis way before they do. However, the ‘urgency’ is building up and I cannot skip these questions anymore, any longer.

Soul searching is something I always want to do and yet I yield few results when it comes to putting it in action, but that does not stop me from doing what I want. Constantly listening to great speeches by BhramaSri Chaganti, I have realized that wisdom is something beyond my reach at this time and there is a lot to learn about life. Being a good human takes enormous humility and understanding of oneself and I often resist to agree that fact that my motivation to convert myself into an responsible individual is seldom practiced. 365 days is ample lot of time for a human being to right themselves and yet years flew past us and we realize so little. My last 365 days did not achieve anything that I can be proud of and I hope I would not repeat the same mistake in the next 365 days. New Year does not intimate us what it would be bringing to us but reminds the fact we  have lost few more days of our life and yet so little was done.

Irrespective of my intentions and ambitions, upcoming days are going to remind me every single moment of my past 365 days and ask me the same question again and again. I would like to change my answer every single day and find one set of 365 which I am proud of. I sometimes believe that I fail to find the purpose of my life and given the fact of the length and breadth of the knowledge I ‘think’ I have, I have failed terribly in making myself ‘wise’ enough to make myself always happy. I believe in God and yet argue with my colleague asking him to prove it to me. I boast that I shred hatred and yet go to the boundaries of dislike. The very gift of being able to speak as human is being wasted in spending and learning stuff that does not add ‘value’ to life. I assume no philosophy crossed my mind that make me forget my responsibilities but, it is my ability to side step them that brings sorrow and disbelief on to myself.

I hope I will make this 365 teach me being ‘wise’ and most importantly keep everyone around me happy. I wish myself a very Happy New Year!

May the lights shine forever

Happy Diwali!

Its been a while for me to re-visit my ‘freedom’ and ponder upon my thoughts and let them fly freely. Diwali is an apt moment for myself to reflect upon and see, where I have been and how I am doing. Festive season has started with great enthusiasm both at work and home and all around. With elections concluded and Obama won his second term, couple of bad news from India, reactions were mixed but, that only strengthened the position of time against human race. My regular hearings of perfectly rendered mythological speeches from ‘Shri Changanti’ bring me peace and tranquility in my everyday commute.  Looking back, there is little or no improvement on who I am and what I do. As a man sometimes I go low and seldom excel. Diwali reminds me the fact that the festival is not about lighting up your house but your soul. Victory of ‘Good’ over evil signifying the billions of lamps that are lit in every Hindu household is a mere representation of what we can do in the materialistic world, while ‘alarm’ us that the real meaning lies within ourselves to see if the ‘God’ inside each one of us is still lit.

I now do not hesitate to give myself a good amount of beating on all the wrongs I do, but the habit of putting myself up there for a small achievement still makes me a downturn brat. I hope, with each Diwali in my life, I shall resume myself and make sure my soul is still lighting inside and keep myself away from the dark thoughts and deeds. Everyday I learn repeatedly that there are people who love me most and I don’t share the same with them. My selfishness and ego sometimes endangers the light that I have inside but more than anything it is their love and prayers that keep me going.

Whatever way we celebrate Diwali, there is only one way to celebrate it with happiness, of sharing love and showering love unto others who matter the most. Blessed I am like most of you that I see, hear and talk. Do I use my senses to see light or darkness lies within my conscience and wisdom. I pray, I pray to God that Diwali be celebrated by every human inside their hearts and keep their souls lit forever.

May the lights shine forever…


It is not irony nor coincidence that I am writing a blog after a long time and what prompted me to do so was a mere TV show. There was lot of chat, discussions, press and occult about this TV show being hosted by Amir Khan, a lovable icon and equally good human, who has the compassion and virtue of bringing a program that is very aptly titled ‘Satyameva Jayate’. It is neither my intention nor my reasoning that would make this blog entry another advertisement or propaganda regarding a TV show but, it is a soulful retrospection of myself facing the truth.

The world has enough problems and billion solutions and we sometime get washed away in the myriad reasons and believes. The other day when I went to a friend’s house for lunch, on my way back to the door there was a small plaque inscribed with Mahatma’s quote “Be the change that you wish to see..” and I told my friend that it touched my heart. Not because I haven’t read that in the past nor I have enough knowledge to understand it. It was because, it was there, ON THE WALL and I happen to see it, read it and FELT it.

Over the past few weeks, my life had been significant, just for myself. Family in India prompted me to spend time with myself and made me realize what is it that is not making me what I was. I do not know if I am blessed or cursed but, I can get influenced by what happens around me; only in a good way. My brain is nothing but a God’s gift or otherwise it would seldom listen to ‘good’. I took 2 resolutions recently and I knew at that time how difficult it is for me to follow. The easiest part was to convince others that my resolution is for real. Truth is so bitter and much ‘warmer’ than fire that it is extremely difficult to make myself convince that I took my resolutions to my soul. I find inner peace and happiness every single time I follow my resolutions and yet I have to face the truth of my soul.

I am weak and I make no fuss about it. Courage is facing truth by being true to it and not merely pretending it to be. After watching today’s episode I am taking my 3rd resolution. Unlike the first two where I wanted greater audience and hence I posted them on Facebook, this one shall remain inside me and I shall see if I can face it by myself. Those two required that others knew about it, as I shall feel accountable enough and have ‘large’ proof of being true to myself. My 3rd resolution does not need witness nor audience.

Amir Khan’s Satyameva Jaayte has a wonderful soul and it will touch every human being who is searching for truth. It shall encourage people to once again remind themselves how fortunate are they to have been born as ‘thinking’ humnas in this mighty universe. Mahatma did not write his autobiography but ‘experimented’ with truth. I am a shameless, weak and timid individual who want to take the task of facing the same truth. We two individuals are billions of miles apart in thinking and fortitude but yet I dare to say this, I am ‘willing’ to be true.

Bless me oh God and give me the strength to make myself  into a human and proudly say ‘Satyameva Jayate’.


With the new year around the corner (few hours literally), sitting down leisurely and writing this blog post is a real blessing. Family is asleep and like my usual monstrous early wake-up jitters, today is no different than others. Being Saturday does not qualify itself to be on the calm morning for me as I am someone who like to waste as much time as possible in a 24-hr slot. Sleeping is like doing NOTHING and for me, WASTING precedes NOTHING.

We will be soon moving into a new home, bigger, probably better in the next few weeks and leaving a home where we’ve been from last 7 years plus does give some sentimental goosebumps. I hope to see that the new year shall bring something which I have been asking, trying, praying, failed-to-get, not-so-successful-at and positively distant; the so called RESPONSIBILITY. My wife works hard, hard enough that kids barely miss me in a given day and things run at their efficient best when I am not around; a strange nostalgia I digest and look at it every time I walk in front of a mirror. I quoted yesterday to my colleagues in my office pantry, “don’t look at the new year adding an year to your age, but think that you are 1 more year wise”, and yet the words stop at the tip of the tongue which I should have gulped with, if not lucid then normal.

Retrospection is a way to cheat one-self so convincingly that you pat your back saying you’ve done it and you are good to go. But actions matter, and I need to sit down and think hard about them. My girl friend days were so ‘magnificent’ , that they branded me ‘versatile genius’ and yet here I am memorizing those days, chewing them hard and look at myself in awe (in more distressful way though). Is this what I am, I was and I will. In all honesty God gave me a wonderful brain and a beautiful heart, but placing them in right place earns one-self, but often not, I failed miserably in putting them at good use.

365 days have passes since my thoughts take shape for yet another new year, but things have improved little and I am not only adamant to change, but would like to see the ‘change’. My biggest bad habit is to ‘argue’, to a point where the opposite gives up because the argument looses its logic and they fear a fight. I know ways to improve and win them, but I hardly try so. My knowledge has hardly transformed into ‘wisdom’ and my passion dies before its born and lately I don’t see eye-to-eye with my own reflection.

Either I started hating stuff too much (like Apple, Inc) or love others too much (too many to list), a concept which is so hard to find in me in my early days. Either I excelled or have not given a try, the only two things I knew I am better yet. I haven’t been to Temple for long, I am at my usual best in arguing if God does exist? But, deep in my thoughts I know what I trust to be God and I go to temple, not to pray for myself but for the rest. It gives me an egoistic satisfaction that God had left nothing from me and gave me enough ego, fortitude and prejudice to pray for others. I have to teach my kids the concept of cultural harmony and why Hindu temples are epicenter of wisdom hubs. Neither of my kids are best at sports and yet have commensurate skill sets and as a father I have failed them.

Parents are thousand miles away, and sometimes you need someone elder and wiser to tap on your head and bring conscience and consciousness. Unfortunately, its been me and myself. My wife often not is the one who does that work for me and I thank her less, may be NOT. Its time that I change and bring peace to myself and everyone around me. Often not I have to keep myself remembering that my Family is a gift to me and not the other way around. Keeping my heart and soul together is what I need to do and continue to do. My wife likes simple things, while I am the most complex person to seek for answers, she often pacifies herself. One remarkable difference I can find in myself is that I have started ‘reading’ and its a good thing to do. It helps me in keeping my head down and utilize unused corners of my brain.

If I go and complain to God, its an injustice, not to me but for God himself. There are more fortunate being than me and even more unfortunate, its a gift that God gave me that I should cherish and live, my life. Great things are often simple and I am convoluted. From a person that I am, its time to be a MAN. I do pray God sometimes for myself, only to be good to others and give me the strength and fortitude to be strong for others and to be selfish in wisdom. So God, come 2012, please watch me over my shoulder, not to inflict pain or difficulty to anyone, good or bad.

From the bottom of my heart I wish everyone a very happy New Year.

It’s family time

Not complaining about the lack of oxygen these days in Hyderabad, Iam having a great time with the family. With father’s 60th birthday celebration going in full swing in ‘most Hindu’ tradition, family members length and breath have attended and are attending with great happiness. It was both ‘experience’ and wonderful to meet most of the cousins after such a long time and baring the long travel they had, everyone was happy to meet after such a long time.

Sometimes humans are defined as they are, but are ‘enhanced’ by their relationships and the threads that run through their blood streams and I am no exception. My father being the last sibling in his family of 9 members, he was pampered and treated as kid brother for all. He being at 60 makes all others the great grand dads and moms and all of their children and their children and sometimes their children all adored the celebrations.

Elders were bestowing their blessings while the younger ones had a great time chatting digging through history and politics. Experience is such a wonderful word that has a ‘human touch’  to it and as everyone say, it has to be experienced. Spending time with all my cousins, aunts, uncles, grand dads, grand moms and what not is one such blast of a life time.

Family Time…:)


Last time I think I celebrated (did I?) my birth day without my family was in 1998, the year that I came to US. 12 years after here I am; alone and aloof (wrong word!). Wife and kids are having their time in India with Kids specially having tons of fun.

Well, everyone has their resolutions over new year and I normally (usually, actually generally) don’t. So while messaging my wife this morning I promised her that I would do some things that I suppose to and be a good dad (which I am :). Conviction is a step away from realization, and when they both meet together, you need will power to stay put. So, for a change I make my resolution over my birth day that I will always try to do my best, for the best. God had been kind, very kind and bestowed me with everything I wanted and I did not, so no complaints there. If there is a way to become a good human, I guess all my strengths should be there, which I will try to. If there is something that I still wish to ask God, it would be me.

My wife always tell me that I have so much that I can give to my family and specially my kids. Yes, I do have a lot that I can give and I haven’t. So for a change it is time that I give gifts on my BD. One that stays for ever and one that lasts for ever, LOVE.

May God bless me on my BD to share only my LOVE to all others. Happy Birth Day to me 🙂

Feeling sad

It is with great regret I let you know all that my close cousin’s husband had died in a road accident yesterday night. He was on a bicycle on his way to the university when a car hit him. Initial reports say that he might have died on the spot. My cousin with whatever little help that she is getting is still standing bold and coming up to the terms. Its takes great panache of a brave face from her when she called me last night to convey the sorrowed message to me. I salute her fortitude and can only say that I am here in need.

May God bless his soul and give  her peace and tranquility.


Happy and Diwali

DeepavaliWondering myself why? Isn’t it Happy Diwali rather than ‘Happy and Diwali’. Tapping my heart I was confirmed that my instincts were right. I wish Happiness and Diwali for all the citizens across the globe.

While the festival symbolize the victory of good over evil and light over darkness, it is a true festival in every sense. Never I have been more happy in my life than I am now, which makes me to question myself, why? If life has any meaning other than breath, bread and body, I had the bliss of being a human being trying to make things ‘simple’. Nobles of past have shown us myriad paths to self-victory which are seldom put in action by us. Blessing everyone Happy Diwali will deny the wishes to be happy forward. My last article of Diwali reflected how I missed my homeland and its festivity, but mature since then, made me feel what true happiness really is. Without driving the darkness inside, celebration will be a myth and festivity shall only adore pale colors. Diwali is about us, it is about looking at the light and think of what greater are we than that lifeless lamp, which still shine bright to drive out darkness.

Vivekananda reiterated the fact that the source of all miseries is thinking about others. He did not mean that we be selfish. His emphasis of philosophy was to think that we are many but one and our actions often gives out its results taking the form of ‘others’. There is no greater thing that God and God is in all good things. I have been fortunate to have ‘Sat-Sang’ which forms the onus of becoming a complete human.

So I wish you once again my fellow beings that be happy and celebrate Diwali. Every light that you lit today shall only shine and every deed that you do from today shall only do good.

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