With the new year around the corner (few hours literally), sitting down leisurely and writing this blog post is a real blessing. Family is asleep and like my usual monstrous early wake-up jitters, today is no different than others. Being Saturday does not qualify itself to be on the calm morning for me as I am someone who like to waste as much time as possible in a 24-hr slot. Sleeping is like doing NOTHING and for me, WASTING precedes NOTHING.
We will be soon moving into a new home, bigger, probably better in the next few weeks and leaving a home where we’ve been from last 7 years plus does give some sentimental goosebumps. I hope to see that the new year shall bring something which I have been asking, trying, praying, failed-to-get, not-so-successful-at and positively distant; the so called RESPONSIBILITY. My wife works hard, hard enough that kids barely miss me in a given day and things run at their efficient best when I am not around; a strange nostalgia I digest and look at it every time I walk in front of a mirror. I quoted yesterday to my colleagues in my office pantry, “don’t look at the new year adding an year to your age, but think that you are 1 more year wise”, and yet the words stop at the tip of the tongue which I should have gulped with, if not lucid then normal.
Retrospection is a way to cheat one-self so convincingly that you pat your back saying you’ve done it and you are good to go. But actions matter, and I need to sit down and think hard about them. My girl friend days were so ‘magnificent’ , that they branded me ‘versatile genius’ and yet here I am memorizing those days, chewing them hard and look at myself in awe (in more distressful way though). Is this what I am, I was and I will. In all honesty God gave me a wonderful brain and a beautiful heart, but placing them in right place earns one-self, but often not, I failed miserably in putting them at good use.
365 days have passes since my thoughts take shape for yet another new year, but things have improved little and I am not only adamant to change, but would like to see the ‘change’. My biggest bad habit is to ‘argue’, to a point where the opposite gives up because the argument looses its logic and they fear a fight. I know ways to improve and win them, but I hardly try so. My knowledge has hardly transformed into ‘wisdom’ and my passion dies before its born and lately I don’t see eye-to-eye with my own reflection.
Either I started hating stuff too much (like Apple, Inc) or love others too much (too many to list), a concept which is so hard to find in me in my early days. Either I excelled or have not given a try, the only two things I knew I am better yet. I haven’t been to Temple for long, I am at my usual best in arguing if God does exist? But, deep in my thoughts I know what I trust to be God and I go to temple, not to pray for myself but for the rest. It gives me an egoistic satisfaction that God had left nothing from me and gave me enough ego, fortitude and prejudice to pray for others. I have to teach my kids the concept of cultural harmony and why Hindu temples are epicenter of wisdom hubs. Neither of my kids are best at sports and yet have commensurate skill sets and as a father I have failed them.
Parents are thousand miles away, and sometimes you need someone elder and wiser to tap on your head and bring conscience and consciousness. Unfortunately, its been me and myself. My wife often not is the one who does that work for me and I thank her less, may be NOT. Its time that I change and bring peace to myself and everyone around me. Often not I have to keep myself remembering that my Family is a gift to me and not the other way around. Keeping my heart and soul together is what I need to do and continue to do. My wife likes simple things, while I am the most complex person to seek for answers, she often pacifies herself. One remarkable difference I can find in myself is that I have started ‘reading’ and its a good thing to do. It helps me in keeping my head down and utilize unused corners of my brain.
If I go and complain to God, its an injustice, not to me but for God himself. There are more fortunate being than me and even more unfortunate, its a gift that God gave me that I should cherish and live, my life. Great things are often simple and I am convoluted. From a person that I am, its time to be a MAN. I do pray God sometimes for myself, only to be good to others and give me the strength and fortitude to be strong for others and to be selfish in wisdom. So God, come 2012, please watch me over my shoulder, not to inflict pain or difficulty to anyone, good or bad.
From the bottom of my heart I wish everyone a very happy New Year.